Resting Courage

While getting ready to write a new post (after months, I know!), I discovered this mostly-completed post lurking in my draft section, long forgotten and neglected. While I'm in a more positive place (I think) than when I wrote this post, I thought it seemed appropriate to post this peek inside myself now, because we continue to grow through small acts of courage - like sharing our inner thoughts with others. 

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Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am too often ruled by my fears. These fears seem to control my life and force me into a stable existence that, while comfortable and content, lacks a certain zest that makes for a deepening of personality and experience.

What am I afraid of exactly?

Most of the time I couldn't say what my precise fears are. I know I have a slight anxiety in social settings which makes me dread outings despite my longing for human connection.

No, my life if not void of relationships. I have my dearest friends and family who have and I believe always will be there for me when needed. But sometimes distance and time constraints make these interactions infrequent and allow for spaces of time where I am left feeling a lack of true companionship.

When these moments of self-pity and moodiness are allowed to crowd in on my contented lifestyle I begin to ponder how soon I can acquire a cat, which would not fix the problem at all.

Though I do want a cat, I don't want it to be as a problem-fixer - I want it to be a little adorable kitten that I can love and that will love me. No expectations from either party, simply an amiable co-existence with benefits of purring and cuteness.

And that will happen when the time is right, not before.

Back to the topic at hand...

While reading a book today there was a character expressing his frustration that the girl couldn't know something because she had never lived. While the situation and characters are being taken out of context here, something about that line struck a cord with me. Have I lived? Am I living? How can I know?

Fast-forward a few hours to me taking an online quiz - as I sometimes do for light amusement - to "determine your dominant personality trait" (found here). Oh, of course I know these quizzes are horribly inaccurate and the answers are to be taken with several grains of salt, but when I got the result of "courage" I was taken aback. Am I courageous?

Intellectually, I know that to be courageous is not the absence of fear - it wouldn't really be courage if you were not afraid. (Maybe I learned that from watching The Princess Diaries numerous times - "courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the knowledge that something else is more important than fear" - but it's still a valid lesson!) But do I really apply that knowledge to my life?

I am now reminded of another movie quote - "Do not fear, young Peregrin Took. You will find your courage." ~The Fellowship of the Ring

Perhaps I have simply not been tested yet. I have an idea that I actually am a very brave person, but have not yet had the outlet to exercise that portion of my personality. Right now it's brimming under the surface. Meanwhile I shall ponder my own philosophies and realize what portions of life are truly important enough to me that I should fight for them. When the time is right, I know I can be fiercely courageous and I look forward to the day I can prove that to myself.

Day of Rest

How often do we allow ourselves to simply sit in the sunshine, unplugged and unattached from the bustling world, and allow our surroundings to soak in?

I hadn't realized how much I craved this tranquility of mind and body until I began exploring it the other day. Taking a walk and allowing myself to be distracted by every beautiful thing that caught my eye was swiftly proclaimed my new favorite way to pass an afternoon.

So when I saw my Sunday afternoon open, a clear sky framing a smiling sun, and a delightful book waiting for my attention, I was only too thrilled to pack an impromptu picnic and drive down to the lake again.

This time I didn't wander, but quickly selected a bench that seemed idyllic in its location for view and access to sun, then settled in for an afternoon of serenity and calm.

Alternating reading - becoming immersed in the dear story of "Emily of New Moon" by L.M. Montgomery - with gazing out across the water and allowing my own thoughts to traverse realms unexplored has been the perfect 'day of rest'.

I didn't listen to music or check my phone every two minutes, but allowed the sounds of birds and wind, passing people and cars, to pervade my senses alongside the wafting aromas of blooming trees all around.

The stillness and beauty of my surroundings were so invigorating, so intoxicating, that I was loathe to uproot myself and return to my apartment. Dear as my little home is, I am rediscovering what was well-known to me in my youth - being surrounded by nature and the glorious beauty of God's creation is my favorite place to be, and I do not intend to forget that again.

So, if you are reading this, dare yourself to try a sample of my newfound serenity: find an outdoor corner of the world and just allow yourself to sit for a while - preferably an hour or two - and watch your worries fade away in the glory of the sunshine.

"'This is one of the places where dreams grow,' said Emily happily." 

~L.M. Montgomery, Emily of New Moon

A Golden-Fine Day

There is something sublimely pleasant about finding a private corner in the outdoor world and sitting down to enjoy the sights, sounds, and smells of the world - to feel nature surrounding you.

Today I enjoyed myself, sitting on a swinging bench, strolling along the lake under trees, pausing to take pictures or jot down thoughts in my journal. I hope to spend many days in exactly this way throughout the summer, as I find myself thrilled down to my toes when I can take the time to wander in the gloriously beautiful world God has blessed us with.

I won't ramble on too much today, but rather share some of the pictures of things I found captivating as I made my way along the walking path - pausing to capture little birds, turtles, trees, and flowers so I could remember how they made me smile. May they make you smile, too!

"I think the nicest thing about days is their unexpectedness. It's jolly to wake up like this on a golden-fine morning and day-dream for ten minutes before I get up, imagining heaps of splendid things that might happen." ~L.M. Montgomery, Rilla of Ingleside 

Spring Has Sprung

This morning I went for a walk in the warm sunshine with my mother before getting in my car to drive back across the state to my apartment after spending a few days with family. This was a delightful week of relaxation - much needed after the all-hours stress of preparing for Triduum and Easter liturgies - but now it's time to get back to reality.

The five-plus hours spent driving in the sunshine were prime time for being alone with my thoughts. Since the only source of music I have in my car is the radio, I sometimes let my mind wander while driving. In many ways it forces me to take the time to sort my thoughts in ways I wouldn't give myself time to on a normal day.

Not sure I had any epiphanies today, but I feel refreshed and ready to jump back into my job and projects in my apartment.

One thought I had today - I have not been blogging recently! Obviously I want to change that ;)

Another thought today - Why do we call this season "Spring"? I think my favorite reason I found (based on typing my question into Google...) is that it's "a reference to plants springing from the ground." Seems accurate.

Whatever the reason, I'm happy that the world is turning green and gradually getting warmer, as that makes getting outside a whole lot more inviting. Spring is bringing energy with it this year!

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again." ~Suzanne Collins, "Mockingjay" 

Hobbies and Hibernation

After the excitement of Christmas, it can be a bit challenging to find something to be excited about. Winter is cold, long, and sometimes lonely. Going out is either challenging or downright dangerous, depending on the weather, and days are kept short by the quick descent of the sun. I admit, after all the holiday excitement this all presented itself as rather bleak by my estimation.

However, that is why we can get excited about the new year, making resolutions and setting goals to create interest in these days! 

In recent years, I have not had much luck setting goals and keeping them. What with classes and deadlines and the unpredictability of my schedule, creating any sort of routine or trying new things simply did not happen. 

Now, however, I have quite a bit of free time (when I'm not at work) to fill with such things as I please. While it's tempting (and I often give in) to curl up under a blanket and binge-watch tv shows on Netflix, I will quickly go insane with the restlessness that builds up inside me. In the summer I could use up this energy by going for a walk or run, getting outside (oh nature, how I miss thee!), but right now with below-freezing temperatures threatening me, going outside is the last thing I want to do. 

So I work out in my apartment! Staying fit is important to me, and I find that exercising creates more energy if you keep it up, so pushing myself to stay committed to kickboxing and pilates has been a priority. 

Aside from needing physical exercise, my brain also requires a workout. This is where setting goals came in. With more time to spend on random undertakings, I realize that I developed quite a few hobbies when I was in high school - hobbies that fell by the wayside during my college years. Rediscovering these has been inspiring and rewarding, and I have made many plans for creative "projects" that will keep me busy throughout the winter months. 

First up? Making a simple quilt! Yesterday I spent my afternoon cutting out little squares, and I am excited to lay them out and see how it will look. I'm not a quilter by any means, but I am perfectly capable of making a colorful blanket that will make my evenings more cozy! 

Other creative projects I have in the works: 

~learning to draw (I love to paint water colors, but I would like to draw my own pictures to paint. Hence this goal! Today I started working on a fairy drawing book, which was very fun!) 

~scrapbook my college years (Haven't started this one yet, but I would like to document the four years that swept by in a blur!) 

~Writing (what you see on this blog is the result of pushing myself to write more. It's good for me to work on expressing my thoughts clearly, so here is where I can practice!) 

~Costumes (I have a couple costume projects in the works - more on that to come at a later date!) 

For more educational purposes, I have also challenged myself to study German this year, which I have already made a good start on. I've always wanted to learn other languages, and I have a dream of traveling to Germany, Austria, and Switzerland someday, so why not explore the language now!

I'm also developing a book list to work on throughout the year. 

Another larger goal of mine was to join a prayer group or bible study, and I just signed up for one yesterday! I'm excited for it to begin. 

This post has not been overly organized, but I'm just excited about all the things that are beginning. Now, rather than feeling overwhelmed with how cold and dreary the days are, I almost feel overwhelmed with how many things I want to be doing and choosing which project to undertake first!


"I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all." ~Laura Ingalls Wilder 

"Collateral Beauty"

Sometimes things surprise you.

Sometimes if you approach something with little to no expectations - good or bad - you open yourself up to be surprised by new thoughts, new feelings, that you may not have noticed if you were too focused on what you wanted to see.

Tonight I spontaneously went to see the new movie, "Collateral Beauty," with a friend. While I had seen the trailer and hoped to see the movie, I was not sure what to expect. I had heard the movie received harsh reviews, but let's be honest - many of my favorite movies would not be considered worth seeing by many of the popular rating systems, so I like to assess things for myself.

I mean, let's be honest here: "It's A Wonderful Life" initially flopped, but now is considered a classic - one my family watches every Christmas.

No, I'm not saying that "Collateral Beauty" will necessarily become a classic, and maybe there are technical flaws in the acting, the story arc, the dialogue, or whatever it is that critics feel they must pick apart. But if you simply take the negative things people have to say and never look at the positives, you are missing out on something truly beautiful! (And not just because beauty is in the title.)

This post is not going to be a movie review - not really. I'm not going to give away the story or dig into details of why I loved it. What I am trying to say is that it gave me hope. In a world where we often feel like there is little goodness, where ugliness is glorified and shame exulted, here was a film that tried to explore how we can look past that and rise above it all. No, the grief and pain never go away, but it should never cause you to stop living your life. There is beauty that can come from the wreckage threatening to overpower our senses.

If you are hoping for a movie where in the end either the world burns or everyone is happy, this isn't going to satisfy your cravings. But to me, that's part of why this movie was actually effective. There was an element to it that stayed realistic - people don't heal to the point of being like they were before, they heal into something that is scarred, that has endured, that can continue on. People don't have to succumb to the miserableness of pain and anger and fear; they can confront those things and come out victorious for having engaged in the battle. 

This is a song I've been hearing on the radio a lot lately, and I drove home with the lyrics stuck in my head. Even though the message of this song is focused on a different type of pain, I felt like it applied and wanted to share: 

"Scars To Your Beautiful" by Alessia Cara

And of course I had to finish up with the credit song from "Collateral Beauty:" 

"You've been given a gift, this profound connection to everything. Just look for it, and I promise it's there, the collateral beauty." ~Madeleine, "Collateral Beauty"

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Courageous Kindness

“Have courage and be kind.”

These words from Disney’s 2015 Cinderella have been immortalized by the film and one day I hope to have them painted on my wall as a daily reminder. At first they may seem wispy and romantic, an idyllic phrase used by a fluttery princess, but upon further reflection their meaning deepens to reflect the difficulties and barriers to employing courage and kindness in everyday life.

How many times a day do you think of yourself as being kind? If you look inside yourself and your motives, are you really being kind or is it only an illusion?

Looking up the word “kind” in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, here is the definition I think closest applies:

a :  of a sympathetic or helpful nature

b :  of a forbearing nature :  gentle

c :  arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance kind

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Having a conversation with my sister the other day, we were discussing qualities desired in a potential future spouse (as sisters do) and both agreed that kindness should be the foremost inclination, as it translates into many other admirable characteristics.

While it is easy to sit around and talk about qualities we would appreciate in others, I started to wonder if I would qualify as truly kind – whether the kind of man that I would be able to respect and love one day would find me likeable for the same reasons I would wish to like him.

Maybe this self-reflection was not the most exciting way I could spend my day, but it caused me to stop and realize that no – I am not the person that I would wish my future spouse would fall in love with. My knee-jerk reaction is often, to my regret, impatience or selfishness. If I can ever hope to be loved and respected by the type of man I dream of, I must begin to make some changes to better myself as a person.

As I am also looking forward to the coming new year and thinking of setting goals for myself, it seems to be the perfect time to implement some changes. Being an incessant list-maker, of course I start with writing out the areas I would most like to improve in. As we talk about what it means to be kind, I realize that I would like to be a kind person and the only one who can make me so is myself. I cannot control those around me, but I can decide how I shall respond.

Perhaps as a result of spending an increasing amount of time in solitude, I have more time for introspect and observation. After completing the seemingly frantic scrambling that was my college career, slowing down and giving myself time to think has been refreshing and enlightening. I find it also gives me time to notice others around me, as well – there is much that can be missed if one does not look about! Observing the interaction between other people, or my own interaction with others, it amazes me how much of an impact a kind word, a smile, a positive reaction, or having the patience to think before responding, can have in the relationships we have with each other.

Especially important during the holiday season, I hope to proceed in the new year holding this standard high for myself. Maybe it will be contagious to others, perhaps it will make no discernable difference to anyone but myself. But if I can have the courage, muster the energy, and persevere in choosing to be kind above all else, then I can count that as a great accomplishment!

There are many things in this world that we would dearly love to change but are beyond our power to do so. Start with something you can manage, an area that only you have the permission to meddle with and only you can guarantee success if you but try: start with aspiring to kindness in all that you do, and see if it makes a difference in your life and how you see the world.

Have the courage to be kind.

“One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We cannot be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.” ~Maya Angelou