Resting Courage

While getting ready to write a new post (after months, I know!), I discovered this mostly-completed post lurking in my draft section, long forgotten and neglected. While I'm in a more positive place (I think) than when I wrote this post, I thought it seemed appropriate to post this peek inside myself now, because we continue to grow through small acts of courage - like sharing our inner thoughts with others. 

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Sometimes I find myself thinking that I am too often ruled by my fears. These fears seem to control my life and force me into a stable existence that, while comfortable and content, lacks a certain zest that makes for a deepening of personality and experience.

What am I afraid of exactly?

Most of the time I couldn't say what my precise fears are. I know I have a slight anxiety in social settings which makes me dread outings despite my longing for human connection.

No, my life if not void of relationships. I have my dearest friends and family who have and I believe always will be there for me when needed. But sometimes distance and time constraints make these interactions infrequent and allow for spaces of time where I am left feeling a lack of true companionship.

When these moments of self-pity and moodiness are allowed to crowd in on my contented lifestyle I begin to ponder how soon I can acquire a cat, which would not fix the problem at all.

Though I do want a cat, I don't want it to be as a problem-fixer - I want it to be a little adorable kitten that I can love and that will love me. No expectations from either party, simply an amiable co-existence with benefits of purring and cuteness.

And that will happen when the time is right, not before.

Back to the topic at hand...

While reading a book today there was a character expressing his frustration that the girl couldn't know something because she had never lived. While the situation and characters are being taken out of context here, something about that line struck a cord with me. Have I lived? Am I living? How can I know?

Fast-forward a few hours to me taking an online quiz - as I sometimes do for light amusement - to "determine your dominant personality trait" (found here). Oh, of course I know these quizzes are horribly inaccurate and the answers are to be taken with several grains of salt, but when I got the result of "courage" I was taken aback. Am I courageous?

Intellectually, I know that to be courageous is not the absence of fear - it wouldn't really be courage if you were not afraid. (Maybe I learned that from watching The Princess Diaries numerous times - "courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the knowledge that something else is more important than fear" - but it's still a valid lesson!) But do I really apply that knowledge to my life?

I am now reminded of another movie quote - "Do not fear, young Peregrin Took. You will find your courage." ~The Fellowship of the Ring

Perhaps I have simply not been tested yet. I have an idea that I actually am a very brave person, but have not yet had the outlet to exercise that portion of my personality. Right now it's brimming under the surface. Meanwhile I shall ponder my own philosophies and realize what portions of life are truly important enough to me that I should fight for them. When the time is right, I know I can be fiercely courageous and I look forward to the day I can prove that to myself.